STAY UGLY

Fishnet Pantyhose ∆ Rosegal

Lingerie ∆ Calvin Klein

Accessories ∆ Assorted shops, Zara, Topshop, H&M
Choker ∆ Zara

Shoes ∆ Puma

It's been almost a year since I wrote something here. I was too involved in life: moving out, changing the people around me, leaving a job, immersed in freelancing, getting into hospital due to overwork and later due to an allergy reaction that I know not what from, getting into a new job while working part time jobs and many more. All in all, I'm still glad that there are brands who are willing to approach me for product reviews. Really, thank you. Since I'm on hiatus, I'm not expecting to receive or get invited from anything or anybody as I have been purely working hard on getting my design work together and learning music production. First, let me do my product review. I will drop the summary of my life later.

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I almost got myself a new fishnet pantyhose as I broke mine years back. Thanks to Rosegal online store I got the pantyhose and a couple of awesome apparels (will post up later) from them. To be honest, I have been wanting to do a photoshoot of myself in my Calvin's and my pair of Puma shoes (won from a past Puma event a couple of months back) with the devil sign showing controversy of overrated brands with pretty girls wearing them in a conventional way or trying too hard. Well I just want to make it art. Hence, I'm stoked to be able to receive the fishnet pantyhose as it has currently becoming one of the conventional clothing that girls wear. 

DO NOT GET ME WRONG! I never conclude that everybody wore them badly. It's just that many people were complaining about how many girls were seen wearing that in shopping district or in clubs and etc. It's like they all jumped into that trend together deliberately, which shows that fashion influence works in a weird way due to trends. And I'm sure not everybody can pull off that style and I'm not going to deny that some of them wore it pretty badly. 

All in all, fashion trends and overrated style is a form of open debate for everybody. In my opinion, I'm glad to see more youngsters stepping up their game by dressing according to what the fashion trend is. As for me, I love my Calvin's. I'm not going to deny the fact that it is overrated, but it is super comfortable! Comfy has always been the key for me. The pair of Puma shoes that I've gotten is comfy too! Maybe it is pretty costly to purchase a pair with that design as comparing to Nike and Adidas shoes which I personally feel that they have better designs and comfort. I'm glad that I won it as a prize and this is one of the the Puma design that I dig. Lastly, fishnets always have their debate that it can be uncomfortable as hell. Well, honestly, I do not find it uncomfortable. It fits me well and I love how I can overlay it with my ripped jeans, skirts, harness and even boxers! It never fails to spice up things.

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This is super dated.

Many people asked me why did I resort to attempting suicide back in March 3/4 days after my birthday? 

"Aren't things going well for you?"
"Didn't you moved out and it's been great?"
"Don't be silly! Life is precious!"
"Please love yourself more!"
"Please eat!"
"Get over it!"

Gosh! I'm soooo done with all these man. I mean I know you guys meant well. All I can say is, I FUCKING LOVE MYSELF! I did not choose not to eat. I'm just too broke to eat. 

I had never once slit my wrist even though I can listen to MCR like forever. Yes I know suicide is not everything. All I can say is, I never want to have this life. I don't even have a choice to choose whether I even want to be born and here I am standing in this world which I find it a hell hole. The Earth is dying and people are just chasing unrealistic dreams with technology when I clearly knows that only 1% of the people are taking control of all these shitty depressive chaos. Yes, chaos like poverty, global warming, terrorist, conspiracy, extinction and so on as this list goes on. I'm so sick and tired that I barely look at news where politicians try to argue their way into how to run people's lives when people themselves kind of don't need it.

You may ask what does this got to do with me? I'm living in fucking Singapore, a well protected country rich city. Yes the country is rich, but they turn a blind eye whenever some shit happens. I myself am not rich. I have loans from the bank running after my ass every month. I feel guilty as charge to not be financially stable to help those in need. All I can do is to help some old lady translate her dialect to a young lady who does not understand hokkien. Cooping up in a shitty full-time job and many freelances that hardly pays me well except low-balling my experiences with "Oh! For exposure!" because I'm just a visual artist so I have to live like a starving one. 

I barely wanted to go out anymore as there are just so many fake people out there who only cares about their social status and what they do and blah blah blah. Sure they are passionate. Passionate about being popular. To be something they are not and then feeling miserable inside. Or we have those ignorance everyday people who takes life as a routine and repeat that everyday. When they see someone like me who does not comply to it, and who is not "made it" as modern day junkies. 

I never liked how I was brought up. I never liked the people that used me during my juvenile years. I can't say that I'm a fucking great kid. All I can say is, people are just generally unfair. Just because so and so is a student counsel, it does not mean that they won't bully. Just because I fought back, it does not mean I'm a bad kid.

My family. They aren't that great. You see, just because your parents aren't that educated, your relatives may judge you as a junkie kid who may just end up like your parents. Well they were proved wrong when I got my O level result! My family itself have many many scars. Too much that I could barely remembers good stuffs. I think I spent my teen years barely talking to my dad. Oh yes, scars from years of fights of both physical and verbal. 

Yes, I do love my work and passion. Yes, I have been in the fucking industry for more than 5 fucking years. How is it? It's just fucking miserable! Nobody wants to pay what I should deserve. Just because I'm only 25, that does not mean I'm still young and a shitty pay can pay all my responsibilities. Yeah right. Just go fuck yourself seriously. Yes, I love being an artist but that does not mean I only value my worth of my art in non-monetary form. Because at the end of the day I still need to fucking pay my bills. 

As for friends? Yo, I really do have really great friends man. However, it does not mean betrayer never come close. I don't know how me being in depression and disappearing for a while equivalent to me talking shit about some other social climber "friends" of mine. Go on. Not like I care. Anyway thanks! You bunch of idiots who thinks I ruined your "reputation" makes me realised who my true friends are. I know who are the ones who held on to me when I cried. There for me to push me out of my depressive periods as antidepressant medicines are just so shitty. It changed me as a person. One day I'm good, the other day I'm a zombie. I can't say that I don't feel that depression is over. I'm still going for regular psychological therapy to recover. Not because I'm psycho. I'm not. I just need someone that knows my condition well to allow me to recover my inner broken soul that were all accumulation of years of frustrations. I always tell myself that I'm ok but you know what? Heredity. I'm diagnosed with PSTD, anxiety, depression and mild bipolar. Who know what else I have? Nobody can determine. All I know is that I'm doing my best to get better everyday with daily practices given by my doctors. 

So let's go back to why I suicide. Simple. I just could not bare to see myself watching this world crumble in chaos and what I can do is just being helpless. I'm working on my music with my other bandmate hoping that our message can touch people. I'm working on an exhibition that will be a 3-4 years long project to bring awareness to mental health. I'm working on some illustration and hoping I can be a tattoo artist one day to do healing tattoos to remind people that tomorrow will be better. However are these even enough? Nah. It will never be. People who have the fucking power are just sitting there doing nothing but watching the world crash and burn like a freaking TV series. Watching dramas is so much more fun right? It totally is. 

Another reason was being in a spiral of monetary stress. Money, root of all evil. I was drowning in debts as my so-called friend borrowed money from me when he needed it and I did a bank loan out of kindness for him that ended up seeing the ugly side of him. He pretty much blocked me from everywhere and I could not contact him to get my money back. Luckily, I know where he stays and my besties urges and accompanied me to his house to ask it back.

Family and relative is another reason why I feel like shit. I don't want to say so much. It's ok that everybody else in the world misunderstood me. To receive insensitive comments coming from my parents is just disappointing after years of scars. 

MY SUICIDE HAPPENED BECAUSE I LOST MY CONSCIOUSNESS TO MY SUBCONSCIOUSNESS. IT WAS CONTROLLING ME. I did not plan to suicide even though I'm in all these mess. I still want to keep it going but one day I just snapped. I just lost it. I know I have suicidal tendencies since I was fifteen. However, I never knew that it can take control of my body while I watch myself walked toward that open canal trying to drown myself. It's the scariest moment of my life. I consciously watched myself act on my my own and I could barely fight it. I can't even stop what I was doing. It was till I was at the brim of the platform, I finally fought back and gave my housemate a call with cry for help. After that, I blacked out and police came to lock me up for more than 10 hours with bastard policemen laughing at me for suiciding. How funny is that? Yes, I'm a joke. I think I'm fucking traumatized by what had happened before I blacked out. All I know was, there was only one lady policeman who was really patient and nice to me. 

After this incident, my disappointment towards my family increased because my mum did not fetch me from the lock up since work is more important than me. I treasure my current group of friends more as they all took turns to take care of me for a month or so after my locked up to make sure that I slowly recover. I thank my part time job at Birds of Paradise for being so supportive to even offered to help to relief part of my medical bills for my therapy which I kindly rejected. I had a hard time finding jobs, the trauma relapsed a few times. It scares the shit out of me. My suicidal tendencies were in chaos. It took a while. I made promised to myself to take my time to recover but not too long. I'm currently partially recovered. Found a job in late May, but this job is not really what I want. I'm leaving this job soon and I will work on something else. I cut away from many people. Mostly toxic and bad vibes people. I just need to be selfish and do what is best for myself. 

I mean, this post took me a while. I don't even know if I should even write this. In the end, I decided to as I hope this will maybe help people who are facing similar issues and to others who are worried and was seeking for an answer to why I attempted suicide. I shall end my post here and thanks for reading this long-winded post.

I may have changed but part of who I was may still be in me. For now, I'm looking forward to my trip to Cebu and Manila in Philippines! 

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This song is dedicated to this ugly world. Yeah, I get you. Just STAY UGLY. </3