Nevermind The End

Black Cropped top ∆ Topshop
Flare Checkered Shirt ∆ Grandchild store
Beanie ∆ Topshop
Black Joni Jeans ∆ Topshop
Shoes ∆ Vans (Find more here)

Just another peaceful day out getting comfortable with a crop top, a pair of high waisted jeans and topped it off with an oversized checkered shirt. Not forgetting my platform sneakers, since I'm only bearing a height of 158cm (5ft 2in) it will totally assists me to pump up my height a little and spared me the aches from all those heels.

Just to summarised up, I'm glad to be working again (plus point goes to being able to work in an indie shop as a visual merchandiser) though it's super tiring to manage both blogging and a full-time job, but it's kind of feels good to be away from home. 

*Warning the post below are rants about my life*

Ok, so here's why I feel glad to be less seen at home. I really do hate being at home to begin with, or more like the strained relationship with one another at home especially towards my dad makes me wanna stay away from there. Since I was a kid, before both my grandparents passed away or even before I was born according to my granny and mum, my house has been real chaotic. Fights happened more frequently than having the feel of love. So violence at home is crazy with furnitures flying around, bruises and blood, and police coming and going like regular visitors (because I called them to stop these domestic violence and now I'm pretty much being hated by my family). To me, personally, I feel that it is all caused by my dad and his uptight ideology, stress from work and home, money and/or depression (that I had strongly feel is the reason and he refused to get it fixed cos he think it's disgraceful?) Nevermind, I can't be bothered. 

Now judge me for being childish and not being caring. 

I did not care because I was not taught to. Of cos this is a bloody lame excuse! I learnt to care for people when I go to school but as a twisted kid, I ended up beating other kids up as I thought it is right since they are not nice. But hey, that's when I was a kid. 

During secondary school (middle school for other countries), things got worst in my family, my granny was often hurt during fights and she had to hide in her room to apply medicines on her bruises. My brother became an unhappy child who pout pretty much at home, I was being slapped and bruised and my poor mum suffered fractures a couple of time. The worst thing was to witness them hurting themselves just to make my dad stop being violent. Oh and there will always be someone with knife swung around. In a few occasions, due to all the chaos, my mum would run away from home and my dad would get worried and he realised his mistakes and got her back because he loved her. But you see, these goes on as a cycle. So one moment his normal and the next, just because of a small problem as lame as the TV channel, could really spark it off. To stop all these, I began calling the police as I did not know how to handle the situation and thus they became regular visitors.

Due to the situations that I'm in, I'm forced to grow up faster than others and to plan what I wanted and finding all ways to earn more money to sustain myself and be independent. However that's not the end of it. I always thought that I was strong enough to withstand all these bullshit, but it came down to the point that I got depressed and I started to hurt the people around me unknowingly. Firstly, was my boyfriend. Then I started screaming at my family when they were just talking to me and I cried almost everyday. It lasted about a year plus and I realised that I need to do something about it and I went for psychological consultations and joined yoga to calm myself down. 

Honestly, it was not as simple as I thought. When I told my mum about this, all I got were blames that I brought this to myself and realising that my parents start to hate me as I'm always the one calling the police and making a scene to show the neighbours (not that they did not already know) our problems. And there was my dad trying to manipulate my mum that I was the one at fault, so whatever that happened was my fault and I'm always wrong. Sometimes I feel like my mum was caught in the middle, like when I was complaining to her, she would agree with me and will talk to my dad about it. However, she would come back to me with the same answers over and over again. She tried to mend the situation by telling me to bow down to my dad and that I had my faults too. 

In reality, this is far more complicated than words can say. Of cos many times I tried to control my depression but sometimes it does get the better of me and I hurt myself too. I tried to understand everybody at home, but you know that you can never please everybody. And it gets really hard when I tried to rant to people that do not live in this situation and telling me to try and understand from another point of view. Like really? I've been living like this pretty much my entire life. I just want to break free. Some people will say that this is a transition in life as a growing up process and things will be better when I get older. But seriously, that's bullshit although my granny used to tell me before she passed away to be positive that things will get better. So now I accepted that it won't. 

Major climax came when I stopped working for three months as I just wanted a break to pursue my dreams. Hence, I started blogging about fashion, arts and music. So with me having no income and not contributing  to the house, the sight of me being at home "doing nothing" started to irritate the shit out of him daily. It started from nags, to yelling and screaming. There was one time he kicked my door for 15 minutes straight just because I locked it to protect myself in my room. I had to call the police just to make him stop and then once again, I'm being hated, like always. And then the following day while I was cooking dinner for my brother and myself,  he yelled and threatened to hit me while verbally abusing me for more than an hour I guess. He wanted me out of the house three days before I started my new job. I even had the recording of his verbal abuses which lasted 11 minutes. Later on when he realised that my mum knew about it, he told her that he didn't mean it.

So yeah I guess the only solution now will be to move out soon if my finance allows. But for now I just have to endure a little longer cos everything in Singapore is so expensive. I'm also also saving up to further my studies in London which I've always dreamed of. Honestly, I'm really glad that ever since I started blogging, I had received so much great responses. Even making awesome friends from Europe! 

So I will keep it going and promise to continue blogging no matter how tired I am with my current struggles and I will break free from my chaotic life soon!

I know it's a long post but here's a song to share, Nevermind The End by Tei Shi.